Bulletstorm was the game that made kicking around an explosive pinball, skewering enemies with massive spinning drills, playing dress-up with suicide-bomber vests, and kicking neon-green mutant mongoloids into giant venus fly traps boring and tedious. Which is quite the accomplishment, since a few names that worked on Painkiller also worked on this game. But EA had a death-grip on the creative teams' balls so it ended up being another space marine hide-behind-wall-and-wait shooter with the pacing of a game of ping-pong between two elderly sloths with sticks up their asses.
So, how can you make weapons and awesome melee fighting moves like lassoing and kicking in faces boring as unsliced bread? One way is to make all the characters within the game intolerably jar-headed jingoistic fucks who brag about how white cocks are always better than the alternative, and of course the alternative is pussy. Every character is so iron-clad in their masculinity there is no possible way for a single ray of likable character quality to shine through; they all 'eat danger and shit bullets' and they let you know that every five fucking seconds. The only thing that could conceivably scare them is the conversation topic straying away from homo-eroticism.
So fuck you EA. The guns are fun to shoot, the enemies are fun to kill, but the maps suck cock and the characters suck each others cocks so the entire thing goes from a visceral and enjoyable murder-fest to a visceral and enjoyable murder fest with faggoty dialogue played over a giant couch-shaped space marine hiding behind cover. Are you happy now? You made remote-control guiding an explosive bullet into a mutants memories of its days before it had a giant neon cock on its forehead unenjoyable. You copy-pasted level maps from Gears of War into this game so that the weapons are impossible to use how they were designed to, i.e. rounding up motherfuckers into groups and reducing them to bits and bobs, but you had to have your chest-high walls and non-interactive set-pieces. Because you're a cunt EA. You are an enigma that absorbs game studios like People Can Fly and turns their good ideas into safe-spaces that are easily marketable, and extremely mediocre.
But at least their is one good thing I can say about this game. Ironically, its the multiplayer. This is the safe zone where dialogue is nearly absent and a shitted-up story falls by the wayside. Just point your weapons at ugly dudes and blow them into pieces, or kick them into spikes, its a murderous playground full of interesting ways to live out your dreams of being a kick-ass motherfucker. Or at least it would be if anyone was ever online. It's a forgotten wasteland that used to contain a children's playset made of electric wires and explosive shells but it has fallen into obscurity because the game was marketed about as well as chastity belts to bonobo monkeys.
But we can learn good mechanic designs from this game, and know in our hearts that People Can Fly really tried to make it good. You gave it your best PCF, but nothing can overpower the almighty blandness of those EA bastards.
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